I love going to the theatre, but it's extremely difficult for me to leave the house without my cat. I immediately miss her smell, her saucy saunter, her occasional throw-ups. What if she does something cute while I'm away? Who will be there to take a picture of it and then post that picture to the internet with a hilariously misspelled comedy caption? Solution: I've started bringing my cat with me to the theatre. Here's a list of five other animals that I guarantee will improve your theatre-going experience.
By Kyle Gatehouse of Matt and Kyle and Matt
1. A Frog
You're thoroughly engrossed in a play when a quiet buzzing enters your awareness, growing ever louder and more annoying. Bingo, bozo! It's a house fly in the house!
Slip into your bag, grab your frog, plop that pudgy pal on your shoulder and let him slurp up all those annoying flies! Added bonus: You get to listen to him crunch the oozing fly carcass right beside your ear. Added secondary potential bonus: Maybe he'll turn into a prince if you kiss his awful wet frog lips (just make sure you bought an extra ticket, prince charming is going to need somewhere to sit).
2. A Mink
I get hungry every fifteen minutes, so sitting through a theatre show can be a tortuous time for my tummy. That's why bringing a trained mink to the show is a necessity. Whenever the actors are fooling around with edible props, my little guy slinks on stage and snatches some snacks, then brings them right back to my mouth. Added style bonus: Smuggle your food-finding mink into the theatre by wearing him around your neck!
3. A Talking Parrot
Not enjoying the show? Wish you could heckle those stupid actors, but are afraid of the negative social ramifications? Just train your parrot to yell specific theatre-related criticisms! You won't be to blame, and your message will have been received. Useful parrot phrases: "You are delivering a poor performance, sir or madam", "I plan to clap significantly less than if I had enjoyed the show", "I miss the jungle, my beautiful homeland".
4. An Amorous Human
This is the most common and socially acceptable pet you'll see at the theatre. They provide company and conversation, and bring meaning to an otherwise hopelessly depressing and solitary existence. Also you can smooch them if the play is boring.
As a general rule, theatres do not allow admittance to animals of any kind. So if you're looking to bring your favourite animal to a show, your best bet will be to make your favourite animal no animal, and then bring that.
And finally, please remember that if you're going to bring your trouser snake to the theatre, make sure you keep it in its enclosure (too much attention could excite it).
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