The Friday Five, January 13, 2012

Five Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You're A Good Theatre Actor

Don't know how to act? Don't worry! These five indispensable tips will not only get you through your next production, they'll earn you an armful of accolades and a hospital bill full of broken legs!

by Kyle Gatehouse of Matt and Kyle and Matt

1. Obnoxious Vocal Warm-Ups

Before every show, make sure to slowly walk around the stage ("explore the space") while humming, popping, screaming, barking, singing and generally being a loud nuisance. Why should you be the only one suffering for your art?

2. Stop What You're Doing

If you're mid-monologue and getting the sense that the audience isn't feeling it, just stop speaking (preferably in the middle of a word). Stare into space with intensity. The audience will think you've got some seriously emotional shit going on, and they'll hang on every silent beat. In reality you're just counting to five and then continuing. 

3. Don't Learn Your Lines

In rehearsals, you can tell your fellow cast mates that you've been busy with other projects, and they will immediately forgive and revere you for working so much. During the performance, the audience will be amazed at how honest and in-the-moment you appear. 

4. Always Cry

Nothing an actor does is ever more impressive than crying. You could be juggling flaming swords and riding a unicycle, but the moment someone squirts out an emotion drop, they win. In the eyes of the audience, crying is the pinnacle of an actor's ability. In a light comedy? Cry. Doesn't make sense to cry? Cry anyway, they'll think you're making a bold choice. You should even cry backstage, and trick your fellow actors. Can't cry? Just think about the awful life of rejection and monetary disaster that awaits you as an actor. 

5. Be Overly Subtle

This way the audience will think you're a film and television actor, and their opinion of you will skyrocket because audiences everywhere agree, watching television is the tops! They've got that show Cheers and that other great show Madame's Place. 

Congratulations! You might as well change your name to Tony Gemini, because you're going to start winning so many of them hahaha.