Tour Whore, November 18, 2012

Not with a Bang but with a "Should"
by Cameryn Moore

This is how my tour ends, these last four weeks, not with a bang or a whimper, just a “jeezus fuck, really?” Because the tail end of my tour, for the last three years, has been comprised almost entirely of Should Shows. I don’t want to do them, but I Should. Or so says my inner artist, the one who really wants to perform, spread the good word, you know, get Out There. It keeps telling me why I Should…

“You should definitely do X City. I know no one gets audiences in X City, but you’re passing through, you might as well, it looks good on your list of past gigs!”

“You should do Y City, I mean, yes, it’s in, ahem, a very rural state, but it’s a college town, and look, you always talk about how you want to take your shows everywhere, you’re such a fucking missionary, well, Y City is definitely taking it out there.”

Or the one that I never know how to fight, because after three years of touring to many of the same towns, this one is coming up more and more often:

“You should do Z City because you’ve done them already two years in a row. Yes, you had shitty audiences and a slack producer the past two years, and yes, you’d have to rent a venue this year, of course that’s less than ideal. But you know you like to finish the trilogy!”

Should Shows rarely end up making any money

These are my Should Shows. Not Shit Shows, although those two categories frequently and not coincidentally overlap. Should Shows. These shows don’t happen because I got into a festival, or because a school invited me, or because it’s really on the way to another town and I don’t have to pay anything up front. Those are Why-Not Shows, and while I can usually find a few good reasons Why Not, usually having a very good chance of getting more visibility is enough of a good reason Why. 

Should Shows rarely end up making any money, or leading directly to other gigs that make money. Nor are they usually in places with their own natural attractions or strong friendship connections for me. If they did, they would be Can’t-Miss Shows, which are a different kettle of fish entirely. I don’t actually have many of those shows in my itinerary—up until this year, it was Montréal, Winnipeg, and Calgary Fringes, and New Orleans—and even then “Can’t Miss” ends up being a little arbitrary and elastic, because I am missing two of those fringes next year thanks to going to Edinburgh. Turns out I can miss if the incentive is strong enough.

Should Shows are obligation shows… to the cause; to my own misguided sense of professional pride; to some bullshit work-ethic thing about “don’t give up yet, you need to put the sweat into it for a few years”; to people in those towns who LOVE my work but aren’t in a position to pull any audience to it. Should Shows are where I have to do all the work of a regular show, but rarely do I get the money or audience appreciation or well-placed opinion leader to make it actually worth my time.

I know, I know! That is totally WEAKSAUCE. I’m strong enough to define my terms of engagement, to set my bar high. Why can’t I just let those shows go?

Because right there underneath the Shoulds, in my heart of hearts, nestled up like a sunny little yin next to my pragmatist, Producer-Mind yang, is optimism. I can’t seem to uproot it, not entirely. 

Why shouldn’t they get some sexy shows too, in the middle of all that conservatism?

It’s the part of me that says, yes, if even one person sees my show and goes out and thinks about it, then it’s worth it! (But if that’s the only ticket sale, it’s not sustainable.)

It’s the bit that says, oh, I’m glad to have this little fan base here in Y city. Why shouldn’t they get some sexy shows too, in the middle of all that conservatism? (They should, but I’m not running a charity here!)

It’s the part that says, you never know who’s going to come see your show here in Los Angeles or New York, somebody who’s got the ear of a major decision-maker, this could be where the buzz starts! (Ha, that is what LA is made of. A city of dreams built on the quicksand of hopeful delusion!)

In the rest of my life, the non-performing part—yes, I do have one—I have learned to automatically stop when I hear myself saying “I should”, to call into question where that “should” is coming from. Who says I “should” and why? Out here though, I haven’t been able to stop the Should Shows entirely. My Producer Mind is still growing; the bottom line is still putting down roots. I’m still learning to learn from these Should Shows, and trying really hard to remember what I learn… 

• Two years in a row getting screwed by the same lacklustre producer is enough. They aren’t going to improve.
• Industry towns are never going to be good to an out-of-towner on opening night. Or, really, any night.
• I can’t care anymore how bad someone wants me to play in their town. Even travelling preachers got some cornmeal and bacon fat and maybe a chicken. Oats for their horse, that sort of thing. I have a minimum pay, plus food and travel, that must be met.

I should know better. Wait, there’s that “should” again. I DO know better. Every year, I know better.

camerynmoore.com