If you've ever seen a live theatre show, chances are good that it was in a building designed expressly for live theatre shows (it may very well have been called a "theatre"). How boring! How unimaginative! How expected!
by Kyle Gatehouse of Matt & Kyle & Matt
When I see a play I want to be surprised, I want to experience something new, I want small droplets of elated urine to be involuntarily juiced from my frightened but happy penis!
With this in mind, I've compiled a list of five unconventional places in which I hope to one day watch a theatre show.
1. On an Airplane
As the seatbelt light switches off and the unwitting passengers settle into a long flight, a man of middle-eastern descent pierces the stillness with a terrifying scream. He rises from his seat, a makeshift knife in one hand and a young blonde hostage in the other, shrieking threats to quell any potentially heroic passengers. Just then, as if in direct contempt of the hijacker's desperate warning, two men seated behind the wild fugitive stand bolt upright, one dressed as an angel, the other as a devil. What ensues is a six and a half hour morality play that lasts the duration of the overseas flight. As the passengers begin to realize that these are actors and that no one is in any real danger, they experience a wide range of intense emotion, from relief to anger to incredulous cynicism to begrudging acceptance to enraptured awe to cat naps to landing. A singularly unique and tasteless theatre experience has just taken place, one that could only have had such a resonating impact if it were performed on a flying aeroplane.
Q: Who hasn't dreamt of recreating Sebastien's delightful "Under The Sea" show stopper from Disney's The Little Mermaid from inside a coral reef to an audience of scuba-gear clad deep sea diving/theatre students?
A: No one. We all have.
3. In Elizabethan England
Just think of the look on Shakespeare's face when you go back in time and perform Hamlet at the Globe Theatre one day before its actual premiere! Ha! Your Hamlet was performed in blue jeans and black t-shirts because that's how hip companies perform Shakespeare in the twenty-first century! Get with it, Bill!
4. In the Collective Unconscious of all Living Humans
Imagine a play with the power to reprogram the very root of our conscious perception. A play performed in the collective unconscious (by way of some powerful, deep penetrating, yet-to-be-invented-but-I-want-royalties-once-it-is dream dictation device), would have access to those ancient foundations of the human mind that bear the weight of our basest instincts. Once inside the cavernous chamber of mysteries that is our society's shared lizard-brain, a band of talented troubadours would wield the power to eliminate our violent animal instincts, replacing them with the peaceful virtues of a six-and-a-half hour in-flight morality play.
5. In a Theatre
...except the theatre is in space.
Whether it's in a public washroom or a private funeral, a play in an unusual location yields greater-than-usual elation. So here's to branching out, and one day watching a play in a tree.