The Friday Five, August 26, 2011

FIVE FICTITIOUS THEATRE COMPANIES

I wouldn’t be surprised if some of these already exist. No, scratch that. I would be VERY surprised.

by Matt Raudsepp of Matt and Kyle and Matt

Theatre Co. (formerly known as Club Theatre)

Bulk theatre at unbeatable prices.

This company has at least eighty popular, tried and tested shows running concurrently, under one roof, all playing at the same time… on the same stage.  You can also sample future shows at any of the numerous demo booths found at the ends of every row, down the aisles. Tickets are only available to card-carrying members. The seats are huge. Parking is hell. The current artistic director used to manage a Costco.

S’fear

We came, we circular saw, we conjured a palpable sense of fear.

This experimental company specializes in breathtaking theatrics coupled with forgettable plots and horrible acting. Their mandate states that every show must be contained within a single sphere and feature circular saws prominently.  Their shows almost always end with a motorcyclist riding around a metallic “ball of death”, juggling circular saws. The one show that didn’t end this way was cancelled due to poor attendance. The company’s lead actor/mechanic (an ex-circus performer) is also their head writer. His fingers were lost in a saw accident and he can no longer type, but that hasn't seemed to change the quality of his scripts...

Playtime

Theatre for kids, by kids.

Founded in a daycare in late 2009 by three enterprising toddlers, this young company has been turning heads since its inaugural performance of “A Stroller Called Desire” which we all remember because of that scandalous breastfeeding scene. Other shows include “The Crucibottle”, “Waiting for Dodo”, and “Zoo Story” (not the Albee play, but the Little Jimmy Johnson monologue recounting his day at the Granby Zoo). Audiences praise the company’s naptime intermissions and opening night “apple sauce and animal crackers” parties. Diapers are optional, but there are often long lines to the potty.

Theatre School Live!/Business School Live!

Anyone who’s been to theatre school has heard a fellow actor-in-training say: “our day to day life here is like a play, what with all that drama!” This company models itself after American Idol. Students attend movement classes and work on scenes in front of a live audience and are voted off by the deafening roars of self-esteem-shattering heckling. Tears are shed, lives are changed, and those who fail move on to “Business School Live” a sister company that stages economics classes. Most “Business School Live” shows are very dull, but there’s a lot of money in it. The audience for “Business School Live” consists of parents who want their kids to do something with their lives – that’s a pretty big demographic right there.

Shakespeare in the Nude

Nude beach, or not nude beach, that is the question: Whether tis nobler in the arts to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous costumes, or to take arms against a sea of actors, and by opposing strip them?

Every summer, this company tours the nude beaches of Quebec performing Shakespeare to their fully tanned patrons (tanned even where the sun doesn’t normally shine). Funny thing is, they’ve yet to figure out what to use as swords…